Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Khan (Ricardo Montalban), professional Ceti Eel handler.
Planning a vacation? Let me urge you to be an Informed Tourist and educate yourself about the types of parasites travelers to foreign planets may encounter. Picking up a brochure from the Federation of Planets' Health Department can help you avoid annoying diarrheal disease or parasitic mind control.
Vulcans and humans alike are subject to infestation of Ceti Eel larvae. Although this infestation is rare, emergence of the larva from under the armored scale of the reptile-like Eel adult, and subsequent migration to a human host has been known to occur.
If you encounter a Ceti Eel while on vacation, do not attempt to feed or touch it. Eels have been known to bite.
The larva enters the cranium via the auditory canal (ear hole), penetrating through bone and soft tissues alike to “wrap itself around the cerebral cortex.”
Eel entering auditory canal of non-consenting study subject. Eel size, approximately 3.5 cm.
Pathways utilized by the Ceti Eel.
How can an organism, only a few centimeters in length, wrap itself around a humanoid cerebral cortex? I have yet to find published research describing this phenomenon. Ceti Eel larvae are only a few centimeters in length when they enter the ear and (occasionally) exit it, with no measurable change in size or mass.
Diagram of cerebral cortex. It's big.
However, once ensconced around the cerebral cortex, the larval Eel can control the behavior of its host, compelling him to perform activities he (or she) would not otherwise engage in. The effect of the Ceti Eel on behavior is somewhat similar to the way in which the protozoa Toxoplasma gondii alters the behavior of the rodent it infects.
Chekov (Walter Koenig) doesn't want to help Khan. The Eel makes him behave like a rat on Toxo!
A MOMENT FOR EARTHLY MIND CONTROL
Just as Chekov wants to avoid Khan, rodents want to avoid cats. But rats infected by Toxplasma gondii demonstrate a distinct affinity to cat urine(1)! It is hypothesized that the protozoan influences rat behavior, for this particular parasite needs the rat to be eaten by the cat in order to complete its life cycle.
Mmm... what a lovely fragrance you have! Too bad this rat is under parasitic mind control!
In order to reduce your chances of Toxoplasma gondii infection(2) avoid eating or huffing cat poop, and don't vacation in France (or maybe you could just avoid French cats that eat a lot of raw game.)
BUT BACK TO THE EELS!
How does one detect Eel infestation? Signs and symptoms of Ceti Eel infestation include: headache, screaming, mild fever, behavioral and personality changes (compliance leading to dementia), slight bleeding from the ear, possibly death.
Bleeding from the ear, a common sign of Eel infestation.
There is no known treatment for Ceti Eel infestation. Tylenol or other analgesic medications may reduce headache and fever. Ceti Eel larvae do not seem to parasitize humans for any essential metabolic purpose, and occasionally will spontaneously re-emerge from their host’s ear with no perceptible alteration in size or shape.
Miraculously, infestation with Ceti Eel seems to have no detrimental effect on hearing.
If the infestation does not spontaneously resolve, death results.
Enjoy your trip!
1. Does this mean incontinent cats make better mousers?
2. In most people, presence of the protozoan is well tolerated, but avoid changing that litter box if you're pregnant.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sometimes people seem to confuse the actions of microbes with the actions of chemicals. Chemicals (like alcohol) just have to get to your brain cells and bind with them or alter their structure to change your behavior. Viruses have to infect brain cells and start replicating, which takes a lot longer.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The other two are Will Smith and Sigourney Weaver, in any order.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Exclusive of the occasional pine tree seed taking root in human lung tissue, there are very few instances of plant life living on or in human tissue.... on this planet.
Xray of pine sprout growing in lung tissue. Is it real? A hoax? Does it really matter?
This was the most benign athlete's foot picture I could find. The link is above.
Most plants leave humans alone, seeking fertile soil elsewhere. But this is not so for the plant-like creatures in the 1978 remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. These vaguely hibiscus looking flowers(2), use tendril-like shoots to contact and assimilate the bodies of the host human, who is slowly, over the course of hours reduced to a fibrous ash.
As you sleep, these alien plants parasitize you...
creating a replica of you by using your original proteins and enzymes, I assume.
The next day your fibrous, ashy, carcass is disposed of by city sanitation services.
Although the people emulated by the body replicating plantlife will report the “new” life of an outerspace flower human as being preferable to their old purely Earthly human life, this first-hand report of a mutualistic symbiosis comes from an unreliable source, and requires further study.
Signs and symptoms of space flower plant infestation include: drowsiness, flaking skin, dry mouth, coma, dehydration, rebirth as a new life form.
A new you!
Anti-fungal sprays and creams such as Tinactin and Lotrimin are ineffective against plant parasites. They only work against tinea (skin fungus). In the case of Body Snatching, prevention is the best treatment.
Better for jock itch, not useful for Body Snatcher treatment(3).
2. I am most definitely NOT The Cinemabotanist! The flowers look like little hibiscuses to me, but they also look like primroses, from my ignorant perspective.
3. This would be like using an antibiotic for the flu or common cold.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Scooped up by a Satellite sent into space for the purpose of bringing samples of microscopic life back to earth, the Andromeda Strain (1977) of virus is incredibly robust, and able to exist even in the vacuum of space. Once on earth, it instantly kills (almost) every human and vulture it comes into contact with.
The Andromeda Strain. Another bird flu?
This alien virus is truly alien in that it seems to reproduce more like a bacteria than like a virus. As you will recall from my Mutation, Part 1 entry, viruses use the resources of a host cell to replicate. Earthly viruses cannot reproduce without a cell to infect. Not so for the the Andromeda Strain.
Our nation's best scientists have found this microbe to be capable of using energy to undergo a mitosis-like process in which the virus makes copies of itself(1). In the words of one researcher regarding this process, “It’s like a nuclear reactor!” The logic and meaning of this statement is somewhat fuzzy in the film. As a matter of fact, scientists in the film state that a nuclear explosion would release so much energy that the virus could be induced to replicate at astronomical rates. Therefore the nuclear option as a method of viral containment is out. It is also a crystalline form of life, something that we don’t see here on good ol’ earth every day. (Or any day, really.)
This crystalline virus will use "energy" and nothing else...
... to divide and reproduce in mitosis-like fashion.
SUCK IT UP (YOUR NOSE)
This virus is inhaled, reacts with blood in the lungs, and initiates virtually instantaneous clotting that emanates from the pulmonary circulation through the trunk, and out to the extremities.
High-tech seventies style imaging of spontaneous coagulation of blood in a rhesus monkey exposed to the virus.
Of course, instantaneous death is the result with primary Andromeda infection. An incision of the skin of an infected (dead) person releases a dusty stream of sand-like blood from the wound site.
Clotting and dehydration!
HEAVY BREATHING, HEAVY DRINKING
Is there no cure, vaccine, or other prophylactic measure that can help us control the spread of this airborne threat to human and vulture-kind(2)? Well, it turns out that hyperventilation may produce changes in blood acidity, making it more alkaline, and discouraging Andromeda viral infection. The microbe grows well in the presence of normal levels of blood carbon dioxide(3), less well with oxygen(4). The stuff can thrive in a vacuum, but mess with a simple thing like blood ph and it falls apart.
Signs and symptoms of primary Andromeda Strain infection: shortness of breath, instantaneous death.
Here's a young woman dead of Andromeda Strain infection. Needless to say, she got more camera time than any other casualty of the virus in this film.Treatment: Increase blood acid or alkaline levels, through vigorous anaerobic exercise (increases acidity) or hyperventilation (increases alkaline). Additional treatment may be attempted through hyperventilation, or drinking of Sterno. Yes, Sterno or other forms of denatured alcohol. Nuclear devices are contraindicated.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The complicated relationships of alien to man can be examined on a number of different levels. When we explore human/alien symbiosis, we should understand the basic dynamics of such relationships.
In a nutshell, symbiosis describes the intimate relationship of two dissimilar organisms living in close association to one another. When discussing human/alien symbiosis, I am not describing the cultural intimacies associated with the “prawns” and humans from District 9, nor the sporting relationships of the Predator and his human prey, for these types of relationships are relatively casual without any significant form of biological commerce.
Specifically, I wish to explore many manifestations of alien/human parasitism: a relationship in which a parasite (alien) benefits from this intimacy, while the host (human) is harmed. Other forms of symbiosis such as mutualism(1) and commensalism(2) do not apply here.
HUMAN HOST AND ARTHROPOD PARASITE
Animal/arthropod relationships are exceedingly common. Lice, mites, and fleas are common infesters of humankind. Itchy, embarrassing annoyances at best, and carriers of deadly disease at worst, these critters have sucked human blood, drunk human sebum (skin oil), eaten skin flakes, and burrowed into our skin for thousands of years.
Lice are not aliens, but they are blood-sucking, sebum-drinking parasites.
Most direct harm caused to human hosts by these relationships is minor. However lice and fleas can also be vectors for disease, transmitting microbes responsible for bubonic plague and other nasty illnesses.
The Alien relies on a host of any variety of life forms, during an incubatory phase in its life cycle. An Alien larval organism emerges from its egg, possessed of four pairs of legs. These legs enable the organism to spring at the “face” of a host be it dog, human, or predator.
This larval stage creature, according to the wiki literature, implants what has been referred to as an “embryo” in the chest of the host. Implantation may be through esophageal or tracheal penetration, but no definitive data has been collected as yet on this subject.
Alien incubation has been seen in both the thoracic and abdominal cavities(3). Most symptoms of Alien infestation are symptoms of cardiopulmonary distress, as opposed to digestive disorders, or abdominal complaints. However, it is important to remember that gastrointestinal conditions like heartburn and acid reflux can cause sternal and epigastric pain that mimic angina(4).
Nestled within the mediastinum of the chest, between the lungs and the heart, the Alien develops into a nymph that is called a “chestbuster” in wiki speak(5). While ensconced in its host, the human is relatively unharmed. However, when the nymph is ready to re-emerge from its encasement, it punches out of the chest wall, like a baby chick on a cocktail of speed, meth, and steroids. During this process, the nymph destroys the sternum, ribs, adjacent musculature and all associated vascular structures.
Additionally, the vigorous physical activity necessary for breaking through the thorax, will also likely cause lacerations to the lungs, pericardium, and heart. This process usually kills the host organism (providing) they possess a heart and lungs in the thoracic cavity. For this reason, a Vulcan may survive Alien parasitic infestation of the chest, but not of the abdomen.
Signs and symptoms of alien infestation include: short term memory loss with vague associations of anxiety and terror, palpitations, dyspnea (shortness of breath), and angina.
Endstage signs and symptoms include: excruciating chest pain, collapsed lung, sternal and rib compound fracture, hemorrhage, bleeding, muscle tear, unconsciousness, and death.
Currently there is no known treatment for alien infestation.
1. Mutualism is a relationship in which both organisms benefit from their relationship. The relationship between human beings and the beneficial bacteria living in their guts is considered a mutualistic relationship.
2. Commensal relationships neither benefits nor harms the host supporting an organism. Eyelash mites living (you guessed it!) on your lids and lashes are often used as an example of this form of relationship.
3. Different movies, and scenes within the same Alien movie, will show Aliens emerging from the chest, and/or the abdomen. The films are not clear.
4. Angina is chest pain, usually signifying that the coronary arteries are not supplying the heart with enough blood.
5. I'm assuming a more formal, scientific name would be "chestbuster" in Latin or Greek.
Friday, June 11, 2010
This just came in, over the (email) transom, from my friend Todd Alcott. Not only is Todd a brilliant screenwriter, he can crack a pertussis joke that is actually funny. You'd be amazed at the number of really boring pertussis jokes out in the world. Here's the link to his six-minute short, Ad Men.
Friday, June 4, 2010
I thought it might be fun for everyone to see my contribution to Kevin Geeks Out - About Aliens! May 21st. It was a wonderful show! There was a tinfoil hat contest, alien cupcakes, the works! At the end of the video, you will see Kevin, our host, wearing makeup, disguising himself as an alien. The lights are dim, and the video is grainy, so the dark green skin and yellow zig-zag don't quite register. You will have to take my word that he was quite impressive!
The lecture is about 8 minutes. It covers the main topics of alien parasites that will appear here in future posts. But there is a lot of detail that had to be left out of the live presentation. Future posts regarding alien parasite infestations will have new little gems of information not seen here.
Friday, May 14, 2010
- Physical activity in spite of life-threatening disease or injury
- Anti-social behavioral changes including robbery, physical violence, and murder
- An appreciation of relatively obscure 80's punk music
- Low tolerance for alcohol
- A fetching innocence regarding the proper administration of Alka-Seltzer.